I loved you first
by Hats-on-goats
Summary: The first time, it hurt like hell. The second time, less so. The fifth time, it's a dull ache. The seventh time, it's back to hell. - Oneshot, Alex/Izzie


_**a/n Long time no see, eh? First, I'll start by saying how sorry I am that the next chapter of Love Come Rescue has taken so long to appear. My life has been hectic over the last couple of months because of exams. I also broke my elbow in Feb, which was nasty and meant that I couldn't really write for a while and then I broke my little finger too... I'm very accident prone, really. The broken bones coupled with exams mean I have neglected it for far too long, but with the summer holidays coming up, I **_**promise**_**that soon, the next chapter will be up. :) I wrote this very quickly because I was watching old episodes of Grey's and listening to Samson by Regina Spektor (of which two lines inspired this fic) and I wanted to give all you Alex/Izzie shippers something to read. I'm sorry this is so angsty... it just happened. **_

..

_You are my sweetest downfall_

_I loved you first_

_-'_Samson'_, _Regina Spektor

_.._

_- the first time -_

Its four days after she leaves that she thinks about Alex for the first time. Four days of sitting around an empty hotel room, reading trashy novels and bad day-time TV because she's got nothing else. Everything she was she left behind when she walked out of the hospital for the last time, her estranged husband's words still ringing in her ears. Despite what she told Meredith, Seattle meant something to her. The people there meant something to her.

She's watching a repeat of Bones on Fox when she thinks about him. It comes out of nothing – just something one of the characters says that makes her want to speak to him. A light in her brain goes on, she thinks she must tell Alex about that, it'll make him laugh and then the crushing realisation that she can't, because she's in New York and he's in Seattle and she's never going to see him again.

It's not as her husband that Izzie misses him the most – though she does miss him a hell of a lot as that too – but as a friend. A friend she could talk to about anything. He used to be one of her best friends. How did they mess it up so badly?

She laughs softly for a second because she still can't get over what happened – what she said, what Alex said, how things ended. Then a scream sounds on the TV and Izzie turns back to Bones and forgets all about Alex Karev.

For the moment, at least.

..

- _the second time - _

It's a wet Tuesday evening in the middle of February when she thinks about him again. She's lying in bed, trying to sleep, when she turns on her side and for some stupid reason she expects him to lying there with her.

And when he's not, her heart breaks into a million little pieces, which is stupid because he hasn't been in her bed for months. And anyway, it's all her fault in the first place so she shouldn't feel bad for something that is all down to her own hands.

A few minutes later, Izzie falls into a troubled sleep. Alex is gone.

..

_- the third time - _

It's not surprising that when she signs the divorce papers, she thinks of Alex. She wonders if that on the other side of the country, he is thinking about her – or if he's already moved on with his life like she should be.

Alex is her past and she should be looking to the future, not desperately keeping her head in what is now long dead history in the hope that she can go back there. She doesn't want to, though. She wants to go home, back to Seattle, back to Alex and beg him to take her back.

She won't though. That's why she's signing the divorce papers. Even if she doesn't want to move on, circumstances demand that she must. There's no hope left of a reconciliation. Alex doesn't want her back. She can't go home. Everything's gone.

She sighs. She wants her old life back – her life before the cancer, before her whole life fell apart – but she can't get it back no matter how hard she tries. Her life has veered down a path she never wanted to go down and now she can't turn back.

..

_- the fourth time - _

The day her and Alex's divorce comes through, Izzie cries. Not just because Alex is no longer her husband, it's because of the finality is wreaks on that chapter of her life. She has no more links to Seattle, to the city where she spent six years of her life. Six years of happiness and heartbreak.

She wants to go back but she knows now she can't. It's over now. Everything is over. Izzie wonders where her life is going now. She's working in a hospital in New York now, happy enough in her work, but miserable outside of it.

She misses Alex and Seattle and the rain, god dammit.

Izzie messed this up all on her own, so she guesses this is her punishment.

..

_- the fifth time -_

When she goes on her first date post-Alex, she feels guilty because she doesn't think of Alex at all until she's standing in the warm glow of the streetlights, watching Rob – her date – walking away. It hits her suddenly, an image of Alex flashing across her vision – flickering memories of their first date, all those years ago now.

There's a dull emptiness aching inside of her as she stands on the street now. She wonders if she'll always feel like this when she thinks of Alex or if it will go away. The feeling has already evolved – from intense pain to this dull ache – so maybe there's hope that over time it will fade and disappear.

She hopes it will but then again she hopes it doesn't. She's scared of forgetting. Scared of forgetting how she felt when Alex held her. Terrified of forgetting how she felt when he said 'I love you'. Scared, really, of moving on.

But she will.

..

_- the sixth time - _

The next time she thinks about Alex is when she's walking down the street and she swears she sees the back of his head. She's about to call out his name – _Alex! – _when the man turns around and she realises that it's not him.

Her heart does funny things in her chest when she knows it's not him. It hurts. It hurts like hell but she just apologises to the man because she knows she's been staring at him for a few seconds too long and walks away – instead of breaking down in the street like she wants to.

She finds it surprising that now, even a year later, it still hurts. It hasn't hurt in so long – she thought she succeeded in moving on completely with her life, but this shows her how stupid she thought she could ever forget about Alex.

Izzie has a feeling that its always going to feel like this – until the day she dies – and its always going to come as a surprise.

..

_- the seventh time – _

The next time she thinks of Alex is when her relationship – her first serious one post-Alex – falls apart one beautiful day in September, two years after Alex was condemned to live in the halls of her memories.

It's then she realises that all her relationships are doomed to fail from now one. Alex is her one downfall – the sweetest one of all – because she loved him first, and now everyone else must compare to him and no one can.

It doesn't mean she won't stop trying to find someone else, even though she knows no one can because Alex is Alex.

And she loved him first.

_It hurts like hell._

..


End file.
